What is she made of?

I wonder what she thinks, what haunts her at night, and what makes her do awful things to people around her.

I tried to understand her, I thought I did, but I never got through her. I wasn’t the only one who felt her wrath, there were many of us. And none even had the guts to sell her out.

Whatever makes her like that, I hope she changes. I hope she realizes that people around her are not  like ‘things’ to abandon. I had so much of the hate of hating myself. For making me always feel incompetent and an idiot. If only I could write a letter to her dated ten years from now, maybe she could understand what it felt like for me.

Insights from a blogger’s post

Months ago, I read a blog post from a prominent travel blogger-photographer. I’ve been following his blog ever since I read his post on ‘mini-retirement’, a sort of soul searching in your 20’s where you indulge yourself into travelling to discover more about yourself. His mini-retirement post hit me to core. But I cannot risk my job and do months of travelling that he did. The least I could do is to travel in between work to clear off my messed up head so I can start afresh.

Reading his follow up post about his life after two years of ‘mini-retirement’, I felt like he  is echoing what my mind has kept on telling me unconsciously. We constantly look for meaning and I’m glad he is starting to find his. He is a very well-paid man in the media world before but has later found the work so dull that despite luxury and fat check, he found himself meaningless. We all go through that stage in our lives but unlike the others who stick with that reality for stability, he decided to risk what he had at the moment for the purpose of finding meaning to his own. Yeah he was lucky to have a very good job that paid big which enabled him to sustain all his travel plans for 2 years. But as what he said, unlike before when he don’t even know how to spend all his earnings, now he found a reason to spend it through travelling. He is still a process yet to unfold but enjoying what he is currently doing – running his own business and nurturing his freelance career. All those travels made him the best version of himself and has improved him even more than what he can actually hope for. But I guess there’s one thing that we both realized after all those travels, to achieve success we all have to be consistent and focused. Transferring from one thing to another will never get someone anywhere until we focus on something that we are really good at and nurture it.

You may read his stories, reviews, and check out his artworks at http://www.aaronpalabyab.com/ 

They want me to write, wait, what?

Imagine doing a free fall. I think  I got myself into that feeling right now – that makes me both disturbed and excited. Writing has been a dilemma to me except free writing which goes from writing my own thoughts. What makes me disturbed of having this job is, I don’t know if I am writing it right.I just write it the way I understand it, and the way I learned how to write.

Yet it amazes me how writing makes me squeeze my mind so it can function to its maximum, giving me some pretty good output in the end. But the output is not as awesome as what you think it is but for me is a big relief already that I came up with those after hours of staring at my laptop – rewriting and revising every sentence I wrote.

I still have a long way to go of being a writer (uhhhh I still have chills by just saying that) and I don’t even know why I got myself into this. All I know is I really wanted to improve my writing because I feel so bad at it.

Well everything doesn’t come easy and I know that I have to go through a series of needles before I become good enough. So help me God! 😦

 

Control freak

“Do not impose the way you do things because there are hundreds of ways it can be done.”

Reading that phrase, first thing that comes to mind is “control freak”. There are people who can’t seem to acknowledge variety and force their own opinion into someone’s style. It is very disturbing, really, having these  people around, who sometimes appear to be our boss, workmate, classmate, parents, and friends whom we need to get along with.

There is really no such ‘guidelines’ that exists on how to handle them but what I know is it requires a great deal of ‘tenacity’ dealing with them. I met these people before and they had me cry most of the time. One person I met in my early years at work tend to be more experienced than me which put me on a disadvantage, who kept blabbering about the way he did things successfully that I should imitate doing. The thing is, mine was a whole different context and I would appreciate it if he would have given me a chance to explore on my own. But he didn’t, he continued being proud and bossing around.

I personally hate it when I feel like dictating someone what to do. It seems I grabbed that person freedom to do what he wants. And I am not fond of shaming other people in front of everyone for their mistakes, that’s embarrassing, and could lower self-esteem. I am probably talking about that from experience because it can lead to disappointment and frustration – those feelings can stay for long. And it can be very painful if bad feelings stay for a period of time.

So if you meet a control freak, try to be more assertive on how you do things. Show him you can do it on your own, if you can’t, try to ask people around who can give you a  hand without embarrassing you. We are different kinds of people who do things differently – it can be the easy way or difficult way – doesn’t matter – because we all aim to come up with the same. Yet understanding this takes open-mindedness, so dare to accept people as they are and be an optimist rather than a pessimist.

Not the usual day

Should I get a psychologist? And talk about everything that has been maddening me every now and then. I’ve got a lot of issues. Issues which no mere mortal, should I say, normal person would be able to comprehend. Why do I know? Because I tried explaining things to them and all I got was a blank stare.

You see, I need a person to listen, to care. I need a human with a compassionate heart. I’ve had so much of the hurt okay, and I don’t think I can handle so much pain for now. Pain makes me weak, negative, vulnerable, and innocent. And people I know take advantage of that.

Looking for people who can understand me takes time. And I need them now. I think I have exhausted my friends’ listening ears already, calling them is not a wise choice. I need a reliever. Would a psychologist suffice? I hope so.

The beauty of being alone

It was my choice to be alone because I need to be. It is so much bother to be with people whom I think would not understand why I am who I am, and easy to be with myself at my own expense. Solitude is where my world spins.

Yes I do have friends, yet they are like planets that revolve around me in their own orbits. And I have my own orbit as well or a personal space as we may call it. Yet mine is a very exclusive one for most of the time I keep most of the things to myself.

I like the serenity that comes from  being solitary.  I listen to the different thoughts in my head. Challenge issues in it which remain vague to me and need deeper understanding. Sometimes I find myself typing my thoughts in a computer or getting myself engrossed on a piece of art or books. When myself craves for music, I get myself drunk to it.

I can travel kilometers away from home alone. I’m alone but not lonely as I find people to converse with in a every journey. And if you’d dare me, I can watch movies in theatre solo. I can probably go over three times in a row. Because I love movies in big screen, the crisp background music, sound effects and voice overs. DVDs can never replicate that.

Moreover, I love being myself with myself. Because for me I need to consume most of my time loving myself first before I can fully love others.

— The girl who is used to being alone

Devils whisper – Not now

A devil murmurs in my left ear, preempting me to many things that I would’ve want to discover myself. As much as possible, I want to avoid one-sided accusations and I think this one is trying to win me over by exposing anomalies her enemies have been into.

Obviously, I’m in the middle of the opposite poles now. This is a tug-of-war that I don’t want myself to get into. Both of them can fight, but hell, I’m not taking in any part of this.

Chao! 😄